If you read the New York Times, or keep up with Federal Trade Commission rulings, or follow the Florida Attorney General’s investigations, you probably already know that Experian’s widely advertised offers of F-R-E-E credit reports aren’t free—at least after the seven-day trial period of the credit monitoring service.
What? You’ve never heard about that last part? Well, get out the magnifying glass and read the really, really, really fine print. Hence, the hot water the corporation seems to be in perpetually with all the agencies named above, as reported earlier this week by the New York Times.
But what about those wildly popular commercials featuring the lovable, curly-haired, cutie-pie slacker with the rotten credit? How could such a nice guy get caught up in such sleazy misadvertising? Has yet another tragedy befallen our hero?
First, the poor guy married his dream girl, but her credit was so lousy they had to move into her parents’ basement. Then his identity was stolen, and he had to take a job in a cheesy seafood restaurant, his humiliation compounded by the ridiculous pirate costume he had to wear. (And, after he told the world about his wife’s credit problems, you know she had no sympathy.)
His problems continued when he tried to buy a new convertible or an SUV, and had to settle for a ratty subcompact. If you’ve seen the latest commercial, you know he ends up riding a bike and working as a waiter at catered parties for rock stars.
Though America loves, pities, and maybe even identifies with the poor schmoe, it turns out he actually has a gig that suits him perfectly—shilling for a company that advertises free credit reports, and then makes it darn near impossible to get out of the $79.95 monitoring service.
This man is not who he says he is: He’s not American; he’s Canadian and has a French accent! He’s not married, and he doesn’t live in anyone’s basement! He’s not even singing all those catchy little jingles in the commercials–he’s lip synching!
Save your pity. The man’s an impostor and he’s been toying with our emotions. If he ends up with a deadbeat wife, two crappy jobs and a used single-speed Schwinn, I say he deserves it!
Millions of people have fallen in love, only to find out later that the object of their affections was an impostor. For more information about how Life Lock can help keep sleazeballs from becoming an unfortunate chapter in your credit history, go to LifeLock.com. Use promo code Defense and receive a discount.