Looking for new experiences in 2009? Join the millions who’ve become ID theft victims!

If you’re like most people, your New Year’s resolution to work out more is a distant memory and you’ve already gained two more pounds. But what about the promise you made yourself to try something new?

If you haven’t made your reservation yet for a hot air balloon ride, how about becoming an identity theft victim instead? Granted, it’s hardly a unique experience—roughly 10 million people are doing it every year—but it’s like no other experience you’ve ever had.

How to get started

    • Put your Social Security card and all your credit cards in your wallet. Leave your wallet lying out on your desk at work while you go to the restroom. If you carry a purse, leave it unzipped when in public places. In fact, hang it on the back of your chair so any potential identity thieves know you’re looking for action.

    • Write checks for all your bills and put them in your mailbox with the red flag up. Let your incoming mail accumulate during the week and only bring it in on the weekend. Better yet, go out of town over the weekend and let that bonus mail stack up for extra points.
    • Never place fraud alerts on your credit files. Fraud alerts will render your other efforts worthless by frustrating the ID thief who tries to open new credit accounts in your name. If you’ve already made the mistake of placing fraud alerts on your files, take heart: they last only three months, so if you’re careful not to renew them, your chance of becoming an ID theft victim in 2009 is still within reach.
    • Never shred your mail. Take special care to dispose of pre-approved credit card offers in public trash cans.
    • When phone solicitors call–whether they ask for it or not–give them as much personal information as you can before then get nervous and hang up.
    • When you receive emails from strangers in Nigeria, think of them not only as opportunities to strengthen a foreign economy, but as opportunities to achieve your goal.
    • Use your first name as your password for all your online financial accounts. Use your birth date as a PIN.
    • No matter how many times you see LifeLock ads on TV, resist the temptation to sign up. Instead, do what CEO Todd Davis does and give out your Social Security number every chance you get. (Of course, poor Todd Davis probably has free LifeLock, so he won’t get to experience identity theft, but then again, maybe he’s one of those weirdos who gets his kicks out of skydiving or driving fast cars.)
    • DO NOT visit the LifeLock.com website.DO NOT use the LifeLock promotion code DEFENSE. DO NOT be tempted by the 30 days of free protection. At the end of the 30-day free period, your card will be automatically billed $9 monthly unless you cancel within that first 30-day period. You can cancel anytime without penalty by calling 1-800-LIFELOCK. This offer is for new LifeLock members only.
    • Finally, have faith. Use all your vacation hours early in the year so you can really savor those hundreds of hours you’ll be spending on the phone at work later when you enter the surreal world of identity theft victims.

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  • One Response to “Looking for new experiences in 2009? Join the millions who’ve become ID theft victims!”

    1. LOL says:

      Nice satire.

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